I Had To Remind Myself of Who I Was
Updated: Oct 24, 2019
For the record, I'm a bad mama jama. In case that isn't clear to you, I think EyeQue has free vision testing. I kid; I kid. Seriously, I'm pretty dope. But, I'm more dope when I'm happy and I must say, during this time of healing, life ain't been no crystal stair. (I'm so dramatic.)
I lost two major awards back to back. First was to Spike Lee, I explain here. The other loss was to a first lady of a church. Like, really? She has a whole church voting for her? Spent money, time and energy just to come back empty handed and it sucked. A lot of things have been pretty sucky for me. Let me explain. And, I'll be fair and balanced with the list.
Let's look at a shorthand list, shall we?
During this last year I have:
+ been divorced due to an abusive boy trapped in a man's body.
+ renewed my talk show for a third season
+ been nominated as "Best Producer" for a feature film and lost
+ been nominated for "Best Talk Show" and lost
+ lost a prospective deal with a network for my show
+ sold my talk show to a different network: AfroLandTV
+ gained 20 lbs and struggling to stop eating donuts, but my mom likes my weight, so I may keep it (lol), though I can't fit a lot of my pants.
+ became self-employed.
+ been trying to heal from #churchhurt
+ and just drama with old stuff
When I think about this list, I see and feel more bad than good. I feel so defeated at times. Normally, I always strive to find the silver lining, but I'm not super woman. I'm so glad actress, Taraji P. Henson, talked about the "Strong Black Woman" Trope. Regardless of how many friends try to convince you of your strength, it's okay to need help. To sit in your emotions, reflect, get angry, cry, curse, yell and shake your fist to the heavens...okay, maybe not that last part. I don't want any issues with God, so disregard that one. Man, back in the day, I would literally get excited about turmoil and challenges because I knew I was doing something right. But after that poor relationship, I found that I didn't trust my decisions anymore. How could I when I chose someone like that? When I didn't see it? Didn't listen when warned? So, how does this apply to everything. I started to allow that one situation dictate every other thing in my life. So when informed that I failed losing two awards, losing a network deal, gaining weight, I felt like my faith had dwindled; that my fight game was weak; and I was too emotional like Carl Thomas. Especially with this last award.
But then, there was Audra Bryant. Baby, let me tell you. She got me straight today and reminded me of who I was. Who I Am! Told me to draft a letter and flush all the emotions out because I was ignoring them and deflecting on other things like losing. She was right. There was a shift in mind that started to click. Now, I wasn't healed just like that, so don't go looking for the girl to "fix your life" like Iyana, but it was a start. Her workshop is pretty cool. If you're interested and want to check it out, her workshop is called, "I've Got Scars, Baby."
There is hope. I will write down my vision and make it plain and ask God to increase my faith as I continue of this journey, even if failure is attached to it.